A day in the Life of the Cullens
by sharni-cullen-93
Summary: What happens if we mix the Cullens, some unfortunate members of the Aussie cricket team, an octopus, a Disney Princess and some Harry Potter Characters together? Oneshot, my first, so be nice! Review! T for some stuff...


**Okay, now the whole first chapter with E-Guy TV, NO ONE will understand, unless you're one of my best friends, so I'll explain as best as I can.**

**E-Guy is Sean Tait, from the Aussie cricket team. He had a bit of an erection while he was passing the umpire so me and my friend started calling him E-Guy (Erection-Guy).**

**Man Posse: Ricky Ponting, captain of the Aussie cricket team. Me and my friend just call him Man Posse because he always has like 6 members of the team standing around him at any one time on the pitch, its like a posse of men.**

**Peanut: Andrew Symonds, another member of the Aussie cricket team. We just call him that because he once said he enjoys eating peanuts. It's not such an interesting nickname. **

In the Studios of E-GuyTV:

E-Guy: Hello, and welcome to E-GuyTV! The show where we get all people, guys, girls, everything in between, and a few rare barnickles here and there to come and join us in the studio for a totally random hour that happens to be a total waste of time.

-Beavers chirp in background-

E-Guy: And they told me this would be fun.shakes head, then strokes chin in a knowledgeable way…So THIS is what they make me do instead of bowl. I'll show that stupid Man Posse retard. I'll show him that I'm gayer than he is. I mean, COME ON. All he does is moisturise his hands and check his nails every two seconds. I, on the other hand have the hots for the umpire! Classy, yes?

-More beaver noises-

E-Guy: Don't we have any studio audiences here or anything to laugh at my jokes?

-Murmuring back stage-

E-Guy: What the hell do you mean they've all been booked for Ready Steady Cook?

-Murmur murmur-

E-Guy: Gah! That fat guy isn't even funny! All he does is eat the damn food!

-More murmuring-

E-Guy: What the hell do you mean 'He's hot?' Look, Man Posse, I know you have a thing when it comes to guys, but you might need to cool your jets here. Peter Everitt is off bounds. Wait. You were listening to my rants before?

-Murmur Inc.-

E-Guy: What the beep do you mean I have the hots for the umpire? You lie! I didn't say anything about having the hots for Asaud Rauf! He's hairy!

-Disembodied voice: I know what you were doing in the Perth Test, E-Guy-

E-Guy looks around in total confusion, scratches DOWN THERE: Yeah whatever, Man Posse, you have weak ears, even though they're ginormous. Back to the show. On the show tonight we have a few wonderful ahem PEOPLE joining us. Please welcome Edward, Alice and Emmett Cullen!

-Random clapping backstage with a few whoops when Edward's name is mentioned-

E-Guy looks smug: Don't be discouraged, it's just Man Posse. He has the hots for some people.

Emmett: Hahhahaa Edward, suck for you. Some guy called Man Posse has a man-crush on you.

Edward looks around murderously: I'll kill him!

E-Guy tries to hide his front part: Why don't you sit down you two hunky pieces of juicy man meat? Looks at Alice And who are you?

Alice: I predict that…look never mind. Can we begin already? I'm missing out the blooming sale at Bloomingdale's!

-They sit down-

E-Guy: Soooo…how are we all?

Alice: Yes, yes, yes this is all flipping nice and prissy. Hurry up will you?

E-Guy: What should I be asking, Man Posse?

-Murmur-

E-Guy: Man Posse! You're supposed to be in charge of everything that happens! Why are you not being in charge?

-Mumble mumble-

E-Guy: What the hell do you mean you're getting it on with a peanut? That's nasty, Man Posse…ohhh. THE Peanut. I see.

-Vampires look around in confusion-

E-Guy: Yes I know he's so hunky, Man Posse, I totally agree. Notices that there are people watching his gay charade Don't listen to Man Posse right now, he's not right in his mind. Ever since we lost to India, he's been so upset. But oh well.

-Emmett is attempting to make Edward admit he thinks E-Guy is hot-

Edward: For peat's sake, Emmett, I'm already engaged. Bella's not going to be happy with you.

-Emmett backs off; angry human is the one thing he's scared of-

E-Guy looks back at the vampires: OK then…well –

Edward: I'm 108 this year.

E-Guy: What the – oh yeah. You read minds. I see.

-E-Guy attempts to block his nasty thoughts-

Edward: Ewww…

Emmett: Edward, you old grandpa donkey, I keep telling you that if you get it on with Bella, these natural activities that most people do in their life will seem completely normal!

-Emmett thinks about him and Rosalie doing stuff-

Edward: I can't take it anymore!

-Edward runs away at human speed, knocks into Man Posse backstage, screams like a girl and runs back onstage-

Edward: PEDAPHILE! PEDAPHILE I TELL YOU!

-Disembodied voice: Ohhh, Edward. Edwaaaard. Come…-

Edward screams like a banshee: Emmett! What the hell is this?

E-Guy: Ha-ha you guys so fell for it. This is the secret underground gay area! Start's singing:

It's the sound of the underground

The beat goes around and round and round…

Meant to be overflowed

Where the girls get down to the sound of the stereo…

Alice: Woo-hoo! Gay people!

Edward: Are you all insane?

E-Guy: Yes.

Edward: You weren't supposed to answer that question, you retard – wait. What's that?

-Edward points to E-Guy's pants which have suspicious red marks around them-

E-Guy looks around embarrassed: Ah yes. This is – uh – my period!

Edward: Yeah, this is just too weird.

-The vampires suddenly obtain Harry Potter qualities and Disapparate from the gay scene-

Back at the Cullen's house

Carlisle: So how did the interview go?

Emmett: Edward had the hots for E-Guy. Didn't you Eddie-snuffle-wuffle?

Edward: What did you call me?

Emmett: Nothing. Let's go to the beach!

Bella: I can't believe you would give me up for a guy who has his PERIOD. My heart breaks.

Edward: My beloved, I swear I didn't.

Bella: Shut up Edward, I was kidding. My God.

Emmett: Let's go to the beach!

Rosalie: Edward, that's seriously nasty if you did have the hots for that guy. I mean hello. He looks like a freaking goose!

Carlisle: Edward, there's nothing wrong with having feeling for men. Would you like to talk to me in my study?

-Jasper sends Edward man-love feelings-

Edward: Jazzy, stop it!

Emmett: Let's go to the beach!

Bella: Yeah good idea Emmett. I bet Jacob doesn't like men.

-Bella stalks out the door, falls on the doorstep, Edward runs after her-

Edward (softly outside) – How could you even consider choosing the dog over me?

Bella: Don't worry Eddie-Snuffle-Wuffle. I still think you're cute.

Edward: relief!

-Family piles into car, no room for Emmett, so he sits on the roof-

Emmett: Hehe! Windy! I want you to come and kiss me, Jack! I love you Jack! Come kiss me before my stupid brother crashes this stupid car into a non-existent ice-berg!

Bella: Edward, Emmett's quoting Titanic.

Carlisle: It's his favourite movie.

Bella: He told me his favourite movie was Toy Story! He lie!

At the beach

Sam Uley: Well, look who it is. The bloodsuckers, and…wait. What's your name?

Bella: Offended!

Sam Uley: No I'm serious. I have something to tell you guys. My name is really Samantha Who! I just keep it as Sam.

Cullens and Bella: Confusion?

Sam Uley: The TV Show, you old and young weirdos!

-They're saved by Jacob, who comes running to Bella and then runs away when Edward snarls-

Bella: Jacob? It's okay Jacob, my little canine friend.

-Jacob comes back with his tail between his legs-

Emmett: Hooray! We're at the beach!

Bella: Oh the joy

Carlisle: Back in the day…

-Vampires, werewolves and human look around at each other-

Carlisle: What?!

Emmett: Ewww, enough history lessons. Let's go to the water!

-Emmett splashes around in the shallows like a 2 year old, and then suddenly stops. Emmett runs screaming back to Rosalie-

Emmett: AAAHH! There's an evil THING in the water!

Rosalie: Emmett, you're 93. You shouldn't be scared of evil things anymore.

Edward: Remember the evil thing that lived under his bed in Denali?

Emmett: Shut up you salted donkey!

Edward: Salted donkey - ?

Emmett: It was the best I could come up with. My heart beats in fear of the evil thing.

Sam Uley: Okay, this may or may not be that forgetful thing, but isn't your heart technically not beating?

Emmett: Shut up PUP.

Sam Uley: According to the facts, Emmett here is afraid of an evil thing in the water, yes?

-Cullens look around randomly, then nod yes-

Sam Uley: Well, then - begins to sing

WE'RE OFF ON A MISSION, A MISSION TO CATCH THAT THING,

SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING

BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE

ALL OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS IT DOES!

random beavers jump up behind him and start dancing

beavers start forcing human and vampires down the beach, everyone starts dancing in a random way with their hands waggling above their heads and their noses stuck to each other's backs, all the way down to the water

Edward: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Cullen1?

Jasper: I think I am, Cullen2.

Both: It's catch-the-evil-thing-in-the-water-and-then-scare-Emmett-with-it-time!

-Edward and Jasper both wade into the water while everyone else waits on the beach; Emmett has climbed onto Rosalie's back and is attempting to hide his head into her handbag-

Emmett: Ewww, Rose. What the hell do you have in here? Tampoon? What the hell is that?!

Rosalie: Emmett! They're Bella's!

Emmett: Wait a second. Pulls his head out of handbag and looks at Bella HAHA! SHE'S RED! YES! I SUCCEED AT MAKING HER EMBARESSED!

Rosalie: Congratulations, Emmy, we're all so proud of you

Emmett: ARGH! ITS RED!

Alice: Shut up you weirdo with no fashion sense! We know you made her red! Enough already!

Emmett: NOOOO! LOOK BEHIND! BEYOND, IN THY EDWARD'S ARMS, THERE LIES A TERRIBLE SPECIMEN!

Edward: It's an octopus, Emmett

Emmett: ARGGHH! IT HAS A NAME!

-Everyone looks around totally confused-

Bella: Hey, he's right. It's wearing an octo-collar.

All vampires: LAUGH OUT LOUD!

Bella: You sad, sad, outdated, untechnological cases…

Emmett: Yeah, whatever. Just get that thing away from me and put it where it belongs!

Carlisle: And where is that, exactly?

Emmett: In a POST-OFFICE! Or in KFC! Or in Mackers! Or anywhere! AWAY FROM MEEEE!

Bella: I think we should take it home.

Edward: Bella, my beloved, my veritaserum, my darling breakable vase, my lovely, my pretty doll –

Emmett: Edward, this isn't the time to have one of your frequent grammar difficulties

Edward: FINE. Bella, are you telling me you're having the hots for an octopus and not me?

Bella: No

Edward: I don't believe you. I'll kill you octopus, for even TRYING to take my Bellapancakes away from me!

Emmett: Bellapancakes! Hahhahaa! Oh yeah, and what are you, Eddie-Snuffle-Wuffle? Edwasyrup?

Edward: I'm armed with a potentially dangerous octopus, Emmett. If I were you, I'd stop talking right now.

-Octopus suddenly jumps into the air, randomly struts around in the air for about 5 minutes and then lands with a 'FLUP' back on the sand again-

Rosalie: That was dramatic

-silence-

Bella: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…there they are standing in a row…big ones small ones, some as big as your head!

-Notices everyone looking at her-

Bella: Shut up people! I mean, come on. Your all-brawn-no-brains brother here is in LOVE WITH TITANIC, I can love coconuts can't I?

-No one notices the octopus is changing into random, extremely hot guy behind them-

Bella: Oh.

Alice: My

Rosalie: CARLEESEL!

Octopus: Mornin' Ladies

-Females and Jacob Black all swoon-

Sam Uley: Come on Jake, let's go imprint on a printing press

Jacob: HOOT! My favourite type of flirting!

Edward: Bella, I thought you said you liked me better than you liked the octopus.

Bella: Shut up Edward, stop being jealous.

Octopus: Who wants a ride?

Edward: Are you serious?

Octopus: Follow me, human, and weird rock creatures, into the shimmery depths of the ocean, where we shall embark upon great adventures.

-Octopus flings himself into the water, after looking around doubtfully, everyone else flings themselves in after him-

Bella-mermaid: So where are we going exactly?

Octopus: To visit King Triton!

Rosalie-mermaid: Isn't he Ariel's pa?

Alice-mermaid: Ooooh, how swish! Ariel has the BEST tail-sense, it honestly _befuddles_ me!

Emmett-hermit-crab: At least you guys and Esme get mermaid tails. We're the ones stuck with hermit crab legs.

Alice-mermaid: Well, now you know how it feels to be small.

Emmett-hermit-crab: Shut up, short crap

Alice-mermaid: Yeah, look, whatever, like. You totally suck, like, so much, like?

Bella-mermaid: Why are you saying like so much?

Alice-mermaid: Which accent do you think is better? The fake American one, or the ultra swish English one? I mean, I don't want Ariel to think I'm a total American freak, but then I don't want her thinking I'm a loser Pom either.

Bella-mermaid: How about that accent of that lost land down there?

Alice-mermaid: Down where?

Bella-mermaid: Down there.

Alice-mermaid: But my Down There doesn't have a accent. Don't tell me yours does.

Bella-mermaid: I meant Australia.

Alice-mermaid: Whattawhattahoodawhatta?

Bella-mermaid: Damn you Alice, I really hate you sometimes.

-Bella attempts Aussie accent-

Bella-mermaid: G'day mate, it sure is a beeoooty today isn't it? An absolute rippaaa.

Alice-mermaid: Do you really have to open your mouth in all those funny ways when you talk like that?

Bella-mermaid: Oh sure. Otherwise it hurts too much. I wonder how they survive down there.

-Octopus leads the vamp-mermaids, human-mermaid, vamp-hermit-crabs and other unknown sea life into the doors of a very watery looking palace-

King Triton: And WHAT do we have here?

Octopus: Please, sir, they're the ONES.

King Triton: The who?

Octopus: No, not The Who. These are the ONES you have been looking for!

King Triton: Very well. fanfare of trumpets Bring on the Royal Frogs!

-Sea frogs come hopping into palace-

Emmett-hermit-crab: FOOD!

-Vampires, human and Disney characters look at him with weird looks-

Emmett-hermit-crab: okay, okay, FINE. I won't harm the stupid boil-filled-with-pus covered things

Alice-mermaid: Ewww pus.

-silence where everyone remembers their own pus-filled incidents-

Ariel: Daddy, I'm off to that bacholorette bash that Ursula is throwing for me.

Rosalie-mermaid: I thought you guys were enemies.

Ariel: Who, Ursula? No way! What did Walt Disney know? Jeesh! We go WAY back.

Edward-hermit-crab: Oh, she looks so _fine_ from down here.

Bella-mermaid: Edward, do I look fine from down there?

Edward-hermit-crab: Yeah whatever.

Bella-mermaid: You know, Jacob still might not be successful from imprinting on that printing press…

Edward-hermit-crab: I'm sorry Bellapuppywuppycuppy-in-a-dish!

-Everyone looks around randomly as Bella and Edward have a make-out session-

Ariel: Daddy, how come you never let me and Eric have a make out session like that?

Triton: Have you ever thought about what you could contract from kissing that homo?

Ariel: No?

Triton:…neither have I. Give me some time.

-silence-

Alice-mermaid: Sowww, Ariel, where'dya getcha tail from?

Ariel: The tale sale at Rockdale

Alice: I see how it is…I know how cool the Flintstones are, but honestly. They're way OLD. We don't live in Rockland anymore.

Ariel: You're _way_ too weird. And there I was thinking the author was only exaggerating when she described your weirdness. I leave now.

-everyone looks at Edward and Bella still making out-

Emmett-hermit-crab: Lord, help us. Please tell this prude and his stupid, breakable human toy to stop lipping it in the middle of an ocean, where God knows what is floating around, and possibly making it into their mouths when they open to take a gulp of the other person's mouth. Amen.

-silence-

Edward-hermit-crab: Perhaps we should leave now?

Emmett-hermit-crab: he surfaces!

Carlisle-hermit-crab: Yes, son, let's go back up to the surface, shall we?

Back at the Cullens

Emmett: So what should we do?

Alice: Let's go to the Harry Potter Funpark!

Bella: And since when was there a Harry Potter Funpark?

Alice: Since Harry Potter, duh Bella.

Bella: oh, of course. How stupid of me.

Carlisle: You kids can go. Esme and I have to take care of something…

Edward: For the love of beavers and barnickles, let's leave quickly!

At the Funpark

Bella: Now what?

-crickets chirp-

Edward: Maybe we could go on the rollercoaster or something?

Rosalie: I think Bella's hungry, Edward.

Bella: Gee, thanks, Rosalie.

Rosalie: You're welcome.

-everyone goes to nearest shop, buys food for Bella-

Emmett: What on earth is that sound?

Alice: I do believe I hear it too!

Bella: Well, I don't. Anyone care to explain?

Vampires: No.

Bella: I hate you all! I need some love!

-Random popping sound, Albus Dumbledore appears in front of them-

Dumbledore: I seem to have heard that someone needs some love.

Bella: Yeah?

Dumbledore: Hey, I know you! You were the girl who ran off with that ultra-hot vampire dude!

Bella: That's me.

Dumbledore: I am positively astounded to be in your glory, it's extremely enticing, and wonderful, I hope this feeling lasts as I take my last steps into this bottomless pit of fire, this horrible –

Emmett: Hey, look Edward. He has worse grammar problems than you!

Edward: How wonderful.

-More random popping sounds: Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Neville and Harry all appear-

Alice: Oh dear Lord, what is wrong with your hair, Oh Beaky Nosed One?!

Snape: I seem to have - looks into Alice's face - fallen in love…

Alice: Ooooh, Sexy Snapey, you naughty boy!

-both randomly skip off into the sunset-

Jasper: Sob?

Emmett: Phwoar, Jasper, you must be no good in the bedroom, for her to choose him over you!

Jasper: Whatever. I'm off to snag some more chicks.

-Jasper runs off at vampire speed-

Bella: Oh Em Geeeee! It's Harry Potter!

Harry: Uhm…hi?

Bella: HI!

Edward: Uhm, Bella…I'm over here.

Bella: Eh? Oh yeah…my mind is fuzzy, and reeling, and fuzzy!

Neville: Has anyone seen my toad?

Rosalie: Oh yeah, uhm…it was in King Triton's palace.

Neville: Holy smackeroo! King Triton! Oh, he's notorious, I better make sure my toad's okay…

-Neville disapparates-

Harry: NO! Neville! Don't leave me alone with this freaky girl and Lucius!

-Harry disapparates-

Bella: Harry? HARRY! You left me! What is with people and leaving me? Do I smell?

Edward: Well yes…BUT NICE!

Bella: That was not a good answer Edward.

Lucius: Does anyone want to feel my hair?

Bella: No, not really.

Rosalie: You hair stealer! My hair is so much better than yours!

Lucius: Okay, little Miss My-Hair-Is-Better, what shampoo do you use?

Rosalie: I'm a vampire, you stupid homo. I don't need shampoo.

Lucius: It is a trick! That's exactly what Voldemort told me about his vampire friend Sanguini! You're in cahoots with Voldemort, aren't you?

Rosalie: Uhm…no.

Lucius: How could he do this to me? ME?! His most beloved, faithful servant!

-Lucius disapparates-

Emmett: Oookay, then…do you just want to go home?

Bella: Yes. I'm tired.

Emmett: WEAK! WEAK I SAY!

Edward: Emmett, it's like…12 at night, not all of us are vampires here you know.

Emmett: Okay, fine. I was thinking, tomorrow, maybe we could go to Hollywood…?

THE END…


End file.
